Anyway the Wind Blows

I realize tonight that I’m leaving in a very few weeks and am not feeling ready. But then again I get spouts of joy on some days when I think about taking a walk in the streets of my beautiful Quebec, waving and saying hi to all the people I know and cross in the street, or sitting by the fire-stove in my mom's beautiful old house with the smell of onions frying in butter enveloping me. I don’t know, I’m confused. Last week I felt I was ready to go when early May would arrive, but now I’m feeling a lump in my throat every time I think about it. I guess its inevitable, I am to feel like this at one point or another. I’ve always been one to reminisce easily, and I’ve tried to learn to control the negative aspect of that here, and I do think I’m better at it. But I also think being a reminiscent kind of person is a wonderful thing. I feel much love and affection for people, animals, moments, times and places that I encounter in my life, and I like being like that. It makes your spectrum of feeling much broader, and therefor your experiences more fulfilling, if you're able to grasp something new and changing. The difficult side of it can also feel like a positive thing if you decide to. It does make me feel stronger after i've been through it. Sometimes you can't see it while it's happening, but when looking back, it's so clear. Sometimes life is like a constant session of kicking yourself in the ass. My reflexes have changed a bit. It just makes me determined to come back, rather than cry on and be sad. Don’t get me wrong, I am sad, and I will cry, but I can grasp myself a bit more now, and start thinking clearer sooner. Life is full of obstacles, and depending on what you decide to live and go through, those obstacles will vary in size, life will offer certain obstacles to some people that others wouldn’t be able to bear. Or sometimes you can at one point bear obstacles that you yourself wouldn’t have been able to bear before. As my life moves, I find myself being able to tolerate more, and ready to take on more. Its not always easy, and sometimes I wonder if I don’t push myself a little much, but then I realize that no, I love what I live, and really, I haven’t even begun to push myself compared to what others are forcibly pushed to. I think I have it easy even when I strip myself of most of my little comforts. I wouldn’t DARE complain after meeting certain people, how snob and petty and selfish of me it would be. I just hate missing people. I’m a very affectionate person, and become very close to the people that are dear to me. But its inevitable as life moves on as there are those people everywhere, scattered all over this world like specks of sand, and the wind will always scatter all of them to different places. We have to learn to miss people healthily, and hope the wind blows us in the same direction eventually...