I Travel Alone

We take our walks in the evening. More practical for many reasons.
1 - the police don't roam around at night, so I'm free
2 - Kunga & friends usually are not so free during the daytime either; puja, class etc.
3 - its hot as hell during daytime and it would be a struggle to walk for so long
4 - there's much less traffic at night if we decide to go on the road, which we usually do 'cause there are no lights down the road and the night sky is a marvelous view here in rural India.

No news from Kunga all day. I must have called 156 times, but no answer. I was so anxious to see him when I came back to camp yesterday, but didn't. I'd been away for 3-4 days. We talked and he said he was in Yelapur, sure I was disappointed, he knew I was coming in and he left just about the same time I got here, but then he promised we'd see each other tomorrow. Besides, I have a gift for him I can't wait to give him. So I patiently wait all evening, which wasn't so hard given I had my weekly cham-cham with Passang (our walks have now been reduced to a weekly event : Monday only, kinda like the "no outings on school nights") then all night til morning; I cant sleep due to all the fleas or bed-bugs or whatever makes me itch & scratch like an Indian street dog all night.

So I take my time in the morning before calling, clean up my room, have a light breakfast, practice my Tibetan writing, write a few post cards. Around noon I start calling, wondering why he hasn't yet. Isn't he so anxious to see me after so many days?! I sometimes get self-centered enough to think he might be as childishly exited and impatient to see me as I am him. But how foolish of me, he's had a life's training of patience and self control, how could i think 3 or 4 days is enough? There goes my dependant side taking control again. This is part of what I'm learning here, how to regain my independence, I've been emotionally dependant on others for so long that its become an everyday survival technique, kinda like... I don't know... Breathing. This Is definitely something i must rid myself of. I'm hurting myself which is already bad enough, but worst, I'm a nuisance to innocent & good people around me. I must learn patience and control of my thoughts and emotions. Control is a touchy thing, 'cause its wanting to control life's events around me and their timing that’s the problem. Exterior control is what I want. But interior control is what I need. I know I have it, I've caught myself using it on myself a few times and was surprised at how easy it can be once you've accepted it.

So, anyways. No Kunga all day. I don't know what to think; is he still in Yelapur? Did they have an accident (God forbid!) ? Did he loose his phone? Is he angry? I don't know what to think. So I keep myself busy all day, 'til it’s almost sunset. I decide to go for my evening walk, it will be dark soon. I bring along some simple Buddhist literature (it might help me have a bit more of an open mind and see a different point of view on how to take certain life events : I'm sad and hurt and still taking it personal that Kunga hasn't given me news yet). There's still enough sunlight for me to be able to read for a bit under a tree at the monastery. It works, so I get up and continue walking. I give less importance to this feeling and decide to just appreciate right now. I am very lucky after all. I'm where I want to be, finally meeting people I wanted to know (it’s a new pleasant surprise every time i meet one of these people), I'm realizing important life lessons I didn't know I would, and these will stay with me forever. Like a precious magic treasure trunk, I can share its contents and use them as much as I want, hand them out to everyone on my path in life, yet it never runs out, it just stays full to the rim. I'm free and have family and friends back home that love and care for me. I'm healthy & young and have a whole exciting life ahead of me. I'm walking in the yellowish-pink light of the sunset with a sweet smelling sandalwood rosary at my hand, in this beautiful place, with beautiful peace-loving people all around me. Really. What am I complaining about? Must I control every single detail and aspect? Let me just feel full and appreciate what is on my path at this Precice moment. Life is short, but life is also long, we have plenty of time. I feel good and happy and strong. I can feel a faint but warm smile on my face. I walk quietly for a couple minutes, saying my rosary in my head when I hear a strange sound a few steps behind me. "Tssh-tssh". I'm not sure, I think this sound is familiar, but I'm not sure. Again "tssh-tssh". Should I turn around and see what it is, or should I just keep walking and ignore it. "Tssh-tssh". Ok, I want to know. I turn around and gasp out a surprised "ah?!"...